How to listen to understand, instead of defend.

Empathy is impossible when we aren’t appropriately curious about why people are feeling hurt.

“We listen to refute or correct the inaccuracies, distortions and exaggerations that are inevitably there.” - Dr. Harriet Lerner, an expert on listening and apologizing.

We naturally become defensive when someone brings up something that feels like a criticism. Instead of listening to understand, we often listen to speak.

A few weeks ago Brené Brown interviewed Dr. Lerner for her podcast and Dr. Lerner mapped out some ways to listen non defensively. I think it’s important for us to use these tips not only in a one-on-one setting, but also as we consider more global issues.

• Recognize your defensiveness.

• Slow down your breathing.

• Listen only to understand.

• Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand.

• Find something you can agree with.

• Let the offended party know that he/she has been heard and that you will continue to think about the situation.

• Thank the critical person for sharing his/her feelings.