Beware the Empathy Trap
“Empathy is one of our greatest tools of business that is most underused.” Daniel Lubetzky (CEO of snack company KIND LLC)
When it comes to empathy, most of my time is spent teaching leaders how to effectively use it. But in some cases, I find that leaders can fall into the EMPATHY TRAP.
To know if you fall into this trap, first, let’s define empathy — Empathy is feeling WITH someone. For example, I feel your frustration, disappointment, etc. It is stepping into someone else’s shoes.
When we fall into the EMPATHY TRAP, we feel as if we’re being held hostage by the feelings of others.
I’ve seen it expressed when a leader-
🎁 Totally changes a reward structure because of one emotional complaint
🛌 Loses sleep because of a frustrated Facebook post made by a team member
✂️ Can’t let someone go because they don’t know where they would find another job
How do you know if you’re at risk of being trapped by empathy?
You might want to check out this assessment created by The Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley. Or, try asking yourself the following questions:
Do you spend more time thinking about your team members’ feelings than about your own?
Do you focus your attention on what the other person is saying during an argument, to the exclusion of what you want to say?
After leaving an argument, are you preoccupied with what the other person was thinking?
Do you spend more time trying to figure out why someone let you down than deciding whether his or her reasons outweighed your feelings?
If you answer “yes” to any of these, you might find that you are in an EMPATHY TRAP.
Try practicing compassion instead of empathy. Particularly, consider self compassion. I recommend works by Kristin Neff. Check out her TED talk or book The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. You can find her website here.
